Emotions and Feelings: Aren’t They The Same Thing?
I talk a lot about feelings and emotions. With my clients. On my social media pages. With my kids. These two words are often assumed to mean the same thing. I still catch myself using them interchangeably in talking and writing, but they are not the same. So, what's the difference between a feeling and an emotions? And why does it matter?
First, let's talk differences. An emotion (or an emotional experience) is a physiological response. That means it is a change in your body. Emotions are often triggered by neurotransmitters and hormone release. They're not thoughts. They are body responses. Let's think about fear. When you feel the emotion of fear, your body changes. Your heart rate goes up. Your breathing changes. Your body temperature might change (ever felt sweaty?). That is an emotional experience. It's an emotion. We have many different emotions. Have you ever felt stomach changes when you're nervous? Emotional experience. Ever felt like you have an electric current flowing through you when you're excited? Emotional experience.
When I am working with clients on noticing and recognizing emotions, we always try to get into the body. What does it feel like, physically? For many people, this can be a really hard thing to do.
Feelings are the conscious experience of the emotional reaction. Put more simply, they are what we think about the emotion...the label we put on the physical experience. When we have minimal words to describe our physical experiences then we are limiting (often restricting) how we experience our relationships and our lives.
Sometimes our emotional reactions are very similar, which makes it really important that we are able to label the appropriate feeling. Current research is showing that the emotional experience (aka, the physical response) of excitement and anxiety are nearly identical. Why does this matter? Well, if you believe that any emotion that feels like anxiety is, in fact, something to be nervous or anxious about then you are likely to feel anxious most of the time. On the other hand, if you can differentiate if you are excited instead of anxious then you may have a completely different experience to your situation.
Here's a recent personal example. A few weeks ago my family invited another family over to our home for lunch. We have known them for years and are very close, but they had never been to our home. These are people that I love and admire very much. The days before they were coming I definitely noticed a change in myself. When I thought about them coming, I was literally feeling an emotional reaction. Was I anxious about them coming? Did everything have to be perfect? Was I regretting inviting them? Here's what I came up with. No, I did not want or need everything to be perfect. I was absolutely not regretting inviting them. I was EXCITED. I wanted to welcome them into our home. I was looking forward to spending time with them in a way I don't normally get to. It wasn't anxiety. It was excitement. Being able to differentiate that allowed for a complete change in how I prepared for and showed up for that day. Anxiety is filled with worry and fear. Excitement promotes anticipation and joy. I wanted the latter.
Naming our emotions puts words to the feeling. And the name we give impacts how we view the experience. Positive or negative? Helpful or hurtful? Life-promoting or draining? Words matter.
To help start the process of learning and naming feelings, here are a few definitions:
**Please note, not all researchers can agree completely on the definition of certain emotions. For simplicity (and because I just love her) these definitions come from Brene' Brown's work.
Stress: When we believe that the environmental demands (think parenting, work, pandemic, etc) on us are beyond our ability to cope successfully. Ex. feeling overloaded.
Overwhelm: An extreme level of stress at an emotional or cognitive intensity to the point of feeling unable to function. Completely overcome or overpowered by thought or feeling.
Jon Kabat-Zinn says overwhelm is the feeling that "our lives are somehow unfolding faster than the human nervous system and psyche are able to manage well."
Vulnerability: The emotion we experience during times of uncertainty, risk, and emotional exposure.
I chose these three feeling words to start because I so often hear people say that they are stressed and overwhelmed. There is argument that "overwhelm" isn't actually a feeling, but put in the way explained above, I think all of us can attest to having felt overwhelm at one point or another in our lives. However, I do feel that the words "overwhelmed" and "stressed" are over-used in our vocabulary and our culture. I'm not saying we don’t feel those things (hello COVID-world), but I do think that we often use those words to explain generally how we are feeling when there may be more appropriate and accurate words to describe our experiences.
My challenge for you, and for myself, is to start getting really curious about your feelings. What word or words best describe your emotional experience at any given time. Start getting curious about your children's experiences too. Help them find the words to fully explain what they are experiencing. Talk more openly with your partner around feeling words. Words are how we connect with others. Communicating clearly and accurately can only improve our understanding of ourselves and improve our relationships with the people we love and care about.
If you feel that something is getting in the way of you enjoying life and becoming the person, partner, or parent you want to be, counseling may be helpful. I provide specialized therapy for all things effecting relationships, parenting, and maternal mental health. Individual and couples therapy is available in Woodland Park, Colorado Springs, and online throughout Colorado and Missouri.
