The Downside of “Normalizing” Mental Health
Is "normalizing" mental health having a negative impact?
I don't know the answer to this, but I wonder if in some ways it is. As a mental health counselor, obviously I am all about nurturing and supporting mental health needs. Mental health is an aspect of health, just like heart health, oral health, and any other kind of health. I love that we, as a society, are talking about mental health more. But I see two things happening that I believe are both worth our attention.
First, we can over-normalize something to the extent that we begin to believe that our struggles are what everyone is going through, and therefore isn't really clinically relevant or warranting of help or treatment. Any Moms out there ever wonder if what you were experiencing emotionally after having a baby "normal?" How about getting bad advice from someone who suggested it's "just part of it" but later realizing it definitely was not. Anyone?
Second, and possibly conflicting to the first, when we over-normalize mental health without having sound educational and awareness tools we can start shifting to the belief that everyone has a clinically diagnosable mental health issue. We are seeing this a lot in the younger generation, but it's applicable to all. If you find yourself self-diagnosing yourself or someone else based on a Google search then saying things like "I'm so bipolar" or "I can't do (fill in the blank) because I have anxiety" then we need to reconsider how we are looking at mental health. We don't self-diagnose diabetes or hypertension, and we shouldn't self-diagnose depression, anxiety, postpartum mood, bipolar, or any other mental health condition. I'm not saying there aren't times when you know what's happening. A broken bone often looks like a broken bone and depression often meets all the checks you find on the internet. But you still treat a broken bone and go get an x-ray and a cast (hopefully) and you need to treat depression as well.
In my practice, the diagnosis is far less important than the plan of action and the outcomes.
How does all of this apply to pregnancy and motherhood? Let's discuss...
I can get sucked into what’s happening on social media, funny memes, and “influencers” just like anyone else. I love a good laugh. Some things are so relatable.
You know what I’m talking about. The funny meme about the toddler tantrum or blowout. The posts and stories about how hard it is to be a mom- the tears, overwhelm, anxiety. The “wine mom” trend that sells pillows, onesies, wine glasses, etc, all suggesting that the only way we can get through our days is knowing there’s a glass, or three, of wine waiting for us at the end.
Being a parent is HARD. No doubt about it. Historically, it was not something that was openly talked about and discussed, but it has always been hard. I love that certain platforms and advocates are bringing awareness to the difficulties and validating what so many moms (and dads) are experiencing. Raising awareness allows for change. It helps people know that they are not alone in their struggles. It provides avenues for help and support. Sometimes it makes us laugh...and we can all use a good laugh.
But is the current approach really helping us? In many scenarios, sure. In others, maybe not.
Is it helpful to believe that moms only get by with a night-cap? Is it helpful to only see content talking about how awful motherhood can be? Is it helpful to look at the season of life with small children or teenagers as something you just have to “get through?”
There’s a fine line here. Raising awareness, educating, and validating are not the same things as normalizing, promoting, or encouraging.
Normalizing, promoting, and encouraging the struggle only compounds the struggle. It suggests that “this is just the way it is” and that there are no alternative options. As a therapist who works with a lot of women struggling with perinatal mental health concerns and maternal mood struggles, we are doing a major disservice to suggest that it’s just the way it is. I say this all the time- JUST BECAUSE SOMETHING IS COMMON DOES NOT MAKE IT NORMAL. Suffering through motherhood is not normal. Do we really want a culture of moms who are just getting by? Is that what motherhood and parenting really is?
There must be hope in a different way. Not an easier way, necessarily. Because remember, parenting is HARD. But hard can be beautiful. Hard can be good. Hard is what can make something so meaningful. A different way means acknowledging the hard, validating the difficulties, educating on what is normal and what is not, getting professional help and treatment when needed, and advocating for a culture that knows the true value of motherhood and also promotes finding help and support outside of a bottle of wine or a funny meme.
So, what can you do?
If you're not sure if what you are experiencing is normal, find a qualified mental health professional and ask. Yes, getting feedback from your mom friends is great (and encouraged!) but that doesn't replace professional support.
Notice what type of content and people you are around. Is the input you’re receiving through friendships, social media, or family providing encouragement and support or is it promoting the messaging that if you’re not suffering then you’re not doing it right? What ways can you bring more positivity, encouragement, connection, and laughter into your days?
Slow down. I know that sounds ridiculous or even impossible but try it. Take some time each day to notice what you love about your child/children, what you enjoyed about them that day, and what you like about being a mother. Some days you may have to look harder than others and that’s ok. Acknowledge the hard and unpleasant (we’re not trying to promote toxic positivity here), address changes that may need to be made, and then focus on the good. We can all benefit from focusing more on the good.
Take time to consider what you value in parenthood and in life. What is important to you? Does your day-to-day look like a reflection of those values? How you live your days is how you live your life.
Research shows that messages we are consistently exposed to impact our mental chatter. And what we think about impacts our feelings and mood. So, it is important that we are aware of, and choose, what we pay attention to and what we think about. That starts with noticing, then adjusting.
This may sound simple but is not always easy. Change is hard. Lots of things impact our ability to make the changes we want to make.
If you’re not sure if what you’re experiencing is “normal” or if you feel that you are not enjoying motherhood, relationships, or life the way you want to then it is worth talking to a professional to learn more and see what your options may be. You don’t just have to get through it. Research tells us that the earlier you seek help, the faster you can get relief and the better the outcomes.
If you are pregnant or postpartum, click here to learn more about signs and symptoms of perinatal mood concerns.
If you are in a different stage of life, click here to learn more about maternal mental health, anxiety, self identity/body image, or parent counseling.
Share this to your social media, as I would love to hear others’ insights and thoughts about this topic!
If you feel that your relationship tendencies or patterns, chronic stress, anxiety, or mood concerns are getting in the way of quality relationships with your partner, children, or friends, there are options for change. Counseling may be a good way to address barriers, develop skills, and fully engage with the people you love. Through individual and couples counseling, I provide a specialized and modern approach to treatment in Woodland Park, Manitou Springs, Colorado Springs, and online therapy throughout Colorado and Missouri.
