Simplifying motherhood
I would like to say it is surprising how often I talk to mothers who are experiencing overwhelmed or anxious about all the responsibilities and expectations that seem to naturally (or maybe not so naturally?) come with having children. But the reality is, I am not that surprised because I often feel it too. It doesn’t seem to matter how much support is around and available, moms tend to take on a lot. Where this pressure comes from- society, our family, or ourselves- can be discussed and is important to consider, but the truth is that there is a known term called “mental load” and when it comes to children and parenting that load often falls on mothers. This is not to suggest that fathers do not experience their own mental load. They absolutely do. I don’t want to over generalized, but for dads the mental load usually revolves around supporting and providing for the family, being a good role model for their children, and maintaining the more technical or mechanical sides of the household (examples may be keeping up with car maintenance or participating in the family finances). I will talk about this more in a later blog post.
When it comes to the details around children’s development, healthcare, dental care, education, or emotional needs, the load often falls on moms. In my work, I have seen that it is usually moms who are introducing first foods, scheduling and going to doctors appointments, up at night wondering if their child is getting enough socialization, tracking developmental milestones, planning Halloween costumes, getting things for the school party, or making sure your teens sports uniform is clean for tomorrow’s game. This is not to say that one type of mental load is more important, or even heavier, than the other, and there have been giant steps in recent years to help blur the lines of what roles fall where. Now more than ever, moms and dads are working together to find a system that works for their lifestyle, their personalities, and their families instead of just doing what they think they should do. Side note: If this is an area that you and your partner struggle with, please know that it doesn’t have to be that way and you absolutely can learn how to improve communication, acknowledge each other’s needs, and work together as the parenting team that you are!
So let’s talk about simplifying motherhood. Each stage of a child’s life brings on its own parenting needs. You are probably not worried about the same things with your toddler as you are with your teen…or at least not exactly. Whatever stage of motherhood you are in, there are a few things that you can do to help reduce the overwhelm, calm the anxiety, and enjoy your time with those babies (yes, I sometimes refer to all children as “babies”…it’s not literal. It’s just for fun). And no, I’m not going to say “wake up before your kids do.” Even though I do think that’s a very effective strategy for some, if your kid wakes up before 5am then that just may not be a consistent option for you. And that is ok! Here we go:
Challenge the expectation
Why is the expectation the expectation? Whatever it is that’s overwhelming you or stressing you out, there’s an expectation there. Maybe it’s an expectation for your spouse or partner, for your child, or for yourself, but unmet expectations fuel frustration. Example: You have an expectation that your toddler needs to finish their meal. Why? If they say they are done, why the battle? Now, you know your child better than anyone and if you know that they might want to eat cookies in thirty minutes, then yes, it make sense to have them eat. But the power struggle over meals is often not worth the frustration everyone at the table feels. What if the enjoyment of the meal becomes more important than finishing it? Mealtimes can be a source of stress for families, but they don’t have to be. Challenge your expectations and decide how to make meals more fun for everyone.
There are infinite other examples of areas you may need to challenge your expectations: laundry, screen time, communication…I could keep going. Some expectations and boundaries are absolutely necessary, but I encourage you to just check in on the necessity of those that are causing you stress. You may find they aren’t really that important.
Automate what you can and schedule ahead
The less you have to remember in your head, the better. One simple thing that I believe saves a lot of mental energy is scheduling both you and your kids’ next appointments before you leave the one you’re in. If you’re at the doctor for a physical, schedule next year’s before you leave. If you’re at the dentist, go ahead and schedule the next cleanings. Getting a haircut? Schedule the next one while you’re there. This is a fairly simple, but effective way to reduce the amount of “to-dos” floating around in your head because it’s already taken care of and on the calendar.
Spread the load
You do not have to be responsible for all of the things, all the time. Especially during busy seasons, utilize your spouse, partner, family member, or friend. Make a list of all of the things that need (use the word “need” literally) to get done and then see what can be handed off to someone else. Maybe your spouse can run by the store on the way home or call the vet. Maybe your friend already has some great ideas on a birthday present for your son so that can save you a lot of time in researching. Getting it all out on paper to look at helps with prioritizing, redistributing, and removing.
Set boundaries around your time
This is often the most difficult to do, but arguably the most important. There are always going to be things that you need to do, and if you are not intentional about it the needs outside of your own are going to take over your life. Taking time for yourself and setting boundaries around that time is vital for your own wellness and ability to take care of others. When you are emotionally healthy, that transfers to the people around you…the people you love. That may look like protecting your calendar for your yoga class, therapy session, or dinner with your friends. It may mean going to bed early enough to read your book. It may mean going on a hike with your family even though the house is a mess and the laundry isn’t done. Protecting your time can be hard if you are not use to it and other people aren’t use to you doing it. It can be uncomfortable to say no to some things so that you can say yes to others. For some people, working with a therapist around this particular area can be really beneficial.
If you feel that your relationship tendencies or patterns, chronic stress, anxiety, mood concerns, or overwhelm are getting in the way of being the Mom you want to be, let's chat. Counseling may be a good way to address barriers, develop skills, and fully engage with the people you love. I offer a specialized and modern approach to individual and couples counseling in Woodland Park, Colorado Springs, Manitou Springs, and online throughout Colorado.
