Relationships Need Attention
Research shows that meaningful relationships are "a prescription for better emotional, mental, and physical health" (See article from Harvard Health Publishing). I'm not going to dive into the neurology of the brain, but it is becoming well-known that our brains are wired for connection. Humans are not designed to live in isolation, without relationships and community. In fact, some research is suggesting that quality relationships are more important to longevity that diet or exercise! That's right, the relationships you have with others may be more important to your overall health than what you eat or how much you move. (Side note: I am not saying these things are not important, because they definitely are. They just may not be the most important.)
Relationships are hard and they often require work. In today's world quality relationships may be more difficult than ever. We also know they are vitally important for our health and quality of life. So what can be done?
Here are a few simple (but not always easy) things that you can do to improve your relationships and boost connection, starting today:
Look at people when you talk to them.
Or if this is uncomfortable for you, try to at least look in their general direction. Not at your phone or the TV. Eye contact stimulates brain chemistry in a positive way. It also shows the other person that you are listening, that what they are saying is important, and that you value them enough to give them your full attention.
Ask questions
Ask people about their day. What's going well? How is school going? What are you excited about right now? When your partner, child, friend, or colleague is telling you something, as follow up questions. Try to ask more questions and give less feedback or opinions. People want to be understood, not always told what you think or what they should do. When you do want to provide your opinion or suggestions, ask them if it's ok first. Saying something like, "Can I offer a suggestion" and allowing them to be open to that can go a long way in creating back-and-forth dialogue and will reinforce future communication. If they say no, then respect that and move on.
Parents, I know that sometimes our children need the guidance and feedback, even if they don't want it. Use your judgment to decide what is needed in that situation, but with children I often encourage trying to listen first and offer feedback second.
Give affirmations over compliments
Compliments are great. But what people are really looking for is affirmation that they are valued, important, and doing a good job. Think about it, would you rather have someone say "I really like your hair color" or "You are so creative and navigated that situation in a way most wouldn't be able to"?? Both are nice, but one speaks to who you are as a person, not just appearance. Make an effort to give consistent affirmations and point out when someone does something you like or appreciate.
Have clear expectations and boundaries
Boundaries is a word that gets thrown around a lot, and for good reason. Having clear boundaries and expectations can help eliminate a lot of misunderstandings. As Brene' Brown says, "Clear is kind." When two people can be clear about their expectations and individual plans, it becomes possible to work together to create a plan or system that allows for both people to get what they need, while still contributing to the relationship. You have probably experienced situations in relationships where you have an expectation of how something will go, and then get disappointed (or angry?) when it doesn't go that way, only to hear from the other person that they had no idea what you wanted and were not on the same page. Get comfortable with being clear.
Tell someone you are thinking of them
Maybe it's in person, a phone call, or a quick test or email, but telling someone you are thinking of them is a simple, quick, and great way to boost connection and navigate relationships in a positive direction.
If you feel that your relationship tendencies or patterns, chronic stress, anxiety, or mood concerns are getting in the way of quality relationships with your partner, children, or friends, let's chat. Counseling may be a good way to address barriers, develop skills, and fully engage with the people you love. I offer a specialized and modern approach to individual and couples counseling in Woodland Park, Manitou Springs, Colorado Springs, and online throughout Colorado.
