Parenting within your values: a better plan for the new year
As we are getting closer to the new year, I think it is important to take a pause and reassess the cultural trend towards new year’s resolution and goals. Let me be the first to admit that I personally love setting goals and helping others do the same. I believe that well established goals, along with the proper systems to achieve those goals, can be life changing. But the problem with goals is that they have an end. They are designed to have an end. You “achieve” a goal. Then what? To create lasting change, the focus of our attention should be less on goals and more on values.
Values are what is important to you. Goals are something you do or accomplish. Although they can change, values are generally consistent across time. Goals are modified frequently. Goals can help you move closer to your values, but they are not the value itself. When people talk to me about their goals, I often ask them why they have that goal. Sometimes the answer can point you towards a value, but other times the conversation leads them to realize that that particular goal is in fact not really that important to them at all.
As a parent, we often say that we want to instill good values in our children. This may be things like honesty, integrity, and kindness. This is important when they are little, because as they get older they start to develop their own values, which are often modeled from what they have learned. For yourself and your children, it is equally important that you have identified and established your own values, as these impact how you show up for yourself and your family each day.
Parents often come to me because they are having trouble with establishing boundaries with their kids, connecting with their children or partner, or maintaining their self-identity within parenting. Often times, one of the first things we talk about is values. What is important to you? It is necessary to realize that no one else can tell you what your values are or should be. This can get tricky if you are use to being more of a peacemaker and you find yourself wanting to please others at the expense of yourself. Sometimes I will hear people say things like, “I really value my independence and autonomy, but I feel selfish and guilty about that.” Here’s the thing- you can value that independence, live fully within it, and still be a great parent, partner, and friend! On the flip side, you may be thinking, “I value time with my family so much but I feel like we are always arguing or I’m not treating them well.” This is really common too, as your emotions and feelings can sometimes hijack the driver’s seat of life and leave you behaving in ways that you later regret. None of us are perfect and we all have times of acting outside of our values. But if you can keep our values at the front of your mind, instead of the other chatter that bombards you every day, you will be better able to make decisions that align with those values instead of with your ever-changing emotions. It allows you to course-correct when needed, and get back to living your life in a way that you are proud of. Values, not emotions, should be the driving factor on how you make decisions.
So this year, instead of focusing so much attention on resolutions or goals (or disregarding that idea all together) maybe you focus on identifying your values. Doing so will allow you to see where your actions align with those values, or maybe learn that they don’t. The first step in making change is identifying where change needs to be made. Knowledge is power. Here are a few brief examples of exploring values.
If you value:
Communication: Do you communicate with your kids in a way that is effective for connection and respect or do you often find yourself losing your temper, yelling, or maybe withdrawing and not stating your needs? Also, do you have the appropriate boundaries in place so that your children are communicating to you in a way that is respectful and genuine, while still allowing them to be open and honest without judgment?
Honesty: Are you honest with your children and do they see you being honest with your partner and others? Are you honest with yourself?
Courage: Are you encouraging your children to try new things, even when they may be afraid or the outcome is uncertain? Are you doing the things you want to do, even if you are worried or when you can’t control the end result?
Time: Are you protecting your time and your children’s time to allow for doing the things that are important and fulfilling for each of you individually and as a family? Or is everyone overrun with appointments and practices and obligations?
Once you have identified your values, then take a little time to reflect on the day-to-day life within your family. Does the way you talk to your child, teenager, or partner align with what is important to you? Does how you spend your time align with what is important to you? You can, and likely will, have more than one value and they often overlap (ex. it’s hard to value integrity but not care about honesty). But I encourage people to pick their top three values and really focus on those. It’s less overwhelming and will help you get started in acting in alignment with those values today.
I always encourage people to also talk to their spouse, partner, or co-parent about their individual values. This is helpful to align in parenting and find ways to compromise when values may differ. Also, start talking to your kids about their individual values. It is a great way to initiate communication and connection. Usually around junior high or high school (depending on emotional development) kids and teenagers can begin to recognize and decide their own values. Talking about individual values can be a fun way to engage in conversation, get to know your kids better, and begin to learn more about how they view life.
One last note. Family values are really, really important and will be the topic of a future blog post. Maybe you sit down together and decide what you can all agree on as the guiding compass (the values) for your family. Having this mutual clarity will help simplify decisions (“Does doing this align with our family values? Yes? No?) and can minimize disagreements. Sometimes the family values will match your individual values or the values of your spouse or child, but not always. The beauty of family is learning to appreciate the families values while respecting the individual values of each member. This is not always easy, but it is always rewarding.
Having trouble identifying your values or putting them into actionable practice? Is chronic stress, anxiety, or depression getting in the way? Through individual and couples counseling, I help people work through the difficult stuff to be better able to show up in life in a way that is aligned with what you really want. Life is hard, but it doesn’t have to feel overwhelming.
If you feel that your relationship tendencies or patterns, chronic stress, anxiety, or mood concerns are getting in the way of being the parent you want to be, let's chat. Counseling may be a good way to address barriers, develop skills, and fully engage with the people you love. I offer a specialized and modern approach to individual and couples counseling in Woodland Park, Manitou Springs, Colorado Springs, and online throughout Colorado.
