Parenting when you are stressed, anxious, depressed or struggling
Raising kids and supporting a family is hard under normal circumstances, but right now we are up against things that less than a year ago would have sounded like a sci-fi movie (thanks COVID). You are probably feeling the stress, and so are your children.
As parents, we have an opportunity (or should I say, obligation?) to learn to manage our own stress, anxiety, or depression in a way that is helpful to us individually and also supports our kids and our families. But how??? There is so much uncertainty. So much fear. Not to mention the pressures around your kids’ education, your career, or family finances.
If you are dealing with stress or anxiety right now, but still know that you need to show up for your kids, your marriage, and your family in a way that is supportive and connected, here are some ideas:
Pick your battles
Now may not be the time to tackle sleep training (or maybe it is the time because you need rest!), toilet/potty training, or your teenager leaving dirty dishes in the sink for the seven-thousandth time. A lot of times when we are struggling with stress or overwhelm, we try and create more structure and control. Our minds tell us that is what is needed to feel better. This is generally not the case, and often takes away from the relational connection within a family. Ask yourself this- Is it more important that your child is potty-trained “on schedule” or that he/she feels comfortable and at ease in the home? Is it more important that the dishes are put away or that your teen knows they are can talk to you when things are hard?
Spend individual time with your children
I believe that individual and quality time with others is the key to building relationship and connection. This applies to your children, spouse, or friends. I know that it can feel like just one more thing to do on the never-ending list of things, but the payoffs and rewards are huge. Connecting with those you love is shown to decrease your own stress, improve your mood, and is invaluable for your children.
Model how to handle difficult things
Make an effort to talk and behave the way you would want your children to if they were experiencing the same emotion. You have probably heard the idea “talk to yourself the way you would you best friend”- that means be nice to you. Now try “talk and act the way you want your kids to”- that means watching your words when you are angry but speaking up respectfully when something is bothering you.
Don’t disregard anyone’s feelings
You probably know what that feels like- you try and tell someone how you feel, and they do not respond in a way that makes you feel you were heard. It is hard and it is hurtful. Acknowledge your child’s feelings when they say or show them. You do not have to try and change them or distract from them. Simply saying, “It sounds like that was embarrassing for you” or “I can see this makes you really sad” can go a long way in making them feel understood. In the same way, acknowledging “I feel hurt right now” or “I’m feeling really overwhelmed and scared right now” can bring more awareness to your own experiences.
Age appropriately, talk to them about what is going on in the world and with you, and how you are handling it.
The key here is age appropriate. This does not mean your nine-year-old needs to hear that you don’t know how your going to pay the mortgage next month or that your three-year-old is going to understand the impacts of COVID or the current political climate. But kids are intuitive, and they usually know more than we think they do. Talking to them and answering their questions can help them feel less alone and that their family and their home is a safe space.
Find a support person
You children are not equipped to be that person for you. It is more important now than ever to have a friend, counselor, church, or community to connect with. I can promise you are not the only one finding it hard to manage your mood while supporting your family at the same time. There are others out there. And there are options for support.
At the end of the day, remember that your relationship with yourself and with those you love are the most important aspects of a fulfilling, healthy, and meaningful life. Make them your priority, even when your thoughts may be telling you otherwise. You got this.
If you feel that your relationship tendencies or patterns, chronic stress, anxiety, mood concerns, or overwhelm are getting in the way of being the parent you want to be, let's chat. Counseling may be a good way to address barriers, develop skills, and fully engage with the people you love. I offer a specialized and modern approach to individual and couples counseling in Woodland Park, Colorado Springs, Manitou Springs, and online throughout Colorado.
