Is “Thinking Positive” Always a Good Idea?

We hear it all the time. “Look on the bright side.” “Don’t think about the negative stuff.” “Just be positive!”

Is it helpful?

Sometimes, yes. Other times, not so much.

We humans are not great with difficult emotions. We have been taught, and taught others, to avoid the difficult or hard stuff and just focus on the good. There is a term thrown around a lot recently called “toxic positivity,” which is basically downplaying legitimately difficult situations, emotions, or feelings and trying to put a positive spin on everything. But there is a place for difficult emotion and in order to allow those, we may have to temporarily step away from the positive thinking.

If you think about difficult emotions in context of your life, you can probably identify several (many?) scenarios where difficult emotions are very natural. Grief after a miscarriage, death of a loved one, or loss of a friendship—all very natural and normal. Sadness when you see your child struggling socially or when your marriage is not what you want it to be—also normal and natural. Worry when you teenager goes on their first date or has their first sleepover—again, normal and natural. I can keep going with the examples, but I hope I am making a point that there is a needed and sometimes a necessary place for discomfort.

I always tell clients, and remind myself, that we feel where we care. If you didn’t care about your child, parent, or marriage then it wouldn’t bother you that they were struggling or that you are not as connected to them as you’d like. Feeling the uncomfortable emotions is not a sign that something is wrong with you or that you need to change something. Instead, it is often a sign that there is something in that situation/relationship that you really care about. That matters. Trying to automatically turn off the difficult emotions and flip the switch to “what’s good?!?” can really minimize some really important and meaningful areas of our lives.

So, what can you do?

First, notice the thoughts. Then notice if they are helpful or harmful. Note that I did not say easy or hard. Hard is not necessarily bad. If they are harmful, then it makes sense to focus your thoughts and attention elsewhere. If they are informative (aka, helpful) then it benefits you to pay attention for a little bit. While you get to choose what you focus your attention on (and why mindfulness or present-moment practices can be so helpful), it may be beneficial to spend some time on the tough stuff. Once you learn to trust that you are the guide, you can feel comfortable in knowing that you don’t have to stay in that tough place. You can give whatever is causing discomfort the time or space you think it needs and then chose to go on with your day. And your life. You may revisit it as needed, but you can know that it is not controlling you.

Ask yourself what it is about this situation that you care about. We often try to blow things off saying, “I don’t care” or “I shouldn’t care about them/that.” But the reality is that if you are feeling any strong emotion (anxiety, fear, worry, happiness, excitement, grief, sadness, joy, anticipation, embarrassment) then you care. Acknowledging anything less is likely a hint that you are not yet able to tap into how your emotions, thoughts, and situation are connected. You can get there. It takes practice, time, patience, and grace.

Try to resist the idea that you must automatically feel better, as fast as possible. It is ok to feel something difficult for a while. Maybe it’s a recurring issue, like a relationship difficulty, that comes and goes. Maybe it’s a one-time thing, like your child’s first day of kindergarten. Either way, experiencing hard emotions is not a suggestion that something is wrong with you. If it fits with the context and what you care about, then it is likely very natural.

Remember that how you feel does not have to determine how you act. If you are reacting to your feelings in a way that is negatively impacting you, your partner, your children, or other areas of your life then your stress and difficulties will continue to compound. You can notice the difficult emotions, notice the thoughts, and still chose to show up in your life in a meaningful and genuine way.  

How does this apply to relationships?

In our relationships, there are few things less validating than feeling something hard and having those around you minimize it with “just think positive” or “look on the bright side.” It can be helpful to recognize that our loved ones care about us (remember, they feel where they care too) and likely have a hard time seeing people they love suffer. It is ok to acknowledge that someone is just trying to help while still giving yourself time and space to allow the hard stuff.

If you are a parent, you may catch yourself frequently trying to cheer up your child or pushing them to move quickly through a difficult emotion. This is often because, like with others toward you, you have a hard time seeing someone you love struggle. This, again, is very normal. But it can also be important for them to learn to feel difficult stuff, realize that it means they care, and decide how to respond. They need time and space to be able to do that. And you are going to get the opportunity to model and practice it right along with them!

If you feel that you are having a difficult time with any of these things, it may be helpful to talk to a counselor or other professional. It could be that you are not able to stop thinking negatively, which will impact how you show up in your life. Or maybe the negative/hard thoughts and difficult emotions are so uncomfortable to you that you avoid them at all costs. This too will limit your ability to engage fully in your life and in your relationships. Either way, it doesn’t have to be that way. With the right skills and support you can absolutely start moving in a direction of fullness. You may notice that, when it comes to what’s important to you, you can be a little more comfortable with the uncomfortable.