How To Avoid Losing Yourself In Parenthood
Parenthood changes us. Oftentimes in the best ways. You care for another being possibly more than you have ever cared for anyone. You learn to put another person’s needs before your own. You find out very quickly what unconditional love looks like.
Change is often good. Usually hard, but often good. But with any change, there is something lost. You can’t have change without gaining and losing. Maybe you lose the desire to spend Saturday nights at a concert and instead opt to stay in and eat pizza. Maybe you lose the need to call each friend or respond to every text message immediately. Maybe you lose interest in going to the gym but gain joy in taking walks or hikes with your little one.
I often hear women talk about how they feel they have lost themselves in parenthood. I have, at times, felt this way myself. After you have a child your values, purpose, and goals may change. Sometimes drastically. Or maybe they don’t. Either way is fine. What is important is to realize that who you are as a person does not have to change unless you want it to. Your hobbies might change. Your friends might change. How you spend your time might (ok, will) change. But you do not have to change.
When I talk to new moms about their changes, it is often the changes they don’t like that lead them to seek help and support. They are short-tempered with their husband or children. They feel irritable and rigid when they use to feel so carefree. They are not comfortable with their body after pregnancy, and it is affecting their self-image or intimacy. They feel guilty for wanting to do something other than be a SAHM, and then also feel guilty for going to work. They worry—constantly. Am I doing enough? Am I making the right decisions? Was I too stern with my toddler? Should I let my teenage go on that date? Is my partner still happy in our relationship?
Whatever the difficult change may be, it leaves women feeling different. Different may be good, but it also may not. The only way for you to be able to decide that for yourself is to pay attention to the changes. Notice if the outcomes of those changes are moving you towards the person/parent/partner you want to be or away from it. Do you find yourself more resentful towards your partner? Do you feel less energy or motivation? Are you feeling a sense of frustration or discontentment in your life and unsure why? Take some time to notice what is happening.
Ahhhhh, time. The magic word and the thing you probably don’t have a lot of. Time is something that we often struggle with but is also our most valuable resource. You need some time. Trust me, even when you think you don’t… you need time. Time to yourself. Time with your partner. Time to connect with others. Dare I say it…. time away from your children. It may feel counter-productive, but stopping to allow and notice is the only way you can get clarity on what may be happening. It is the only way to step back and assess if you are where you want to be and who you want to be. It is the only way to move forward with intention.
Here are a few suggestions to help you discover if the changes you see are what you want or may be contributing to difficulties and struggle.
First, write down what changes you notice. If you can, place them in two lists or columns—positive changes and negative changes. Next, take a minute to acknowledge the positive changes and give yourself some praise and validation for all that you are doing.
After that, see if any of the “negative changes” have simple solutions. Example: I use to call my best friend at least once a week and haven’t talked to her in almost a month. Solution: Set a time within the next 48 hours to call her. Crying baby or not… your best friend doesn’t care. Or are any of the changes actually positive, or maybe neutral? Maybe when you take time to think about it, you like the fact that your wardrobe has simplified into what is comfortable and functional over what is trendy or “cool.” Maybe the extra steps to check the diaper bag to make sure you have what you need (aka, snacks) before leaving the house are not the norm for your we’ll-figure-it-out-as-we-go self but have saved you a few tired-toddler meltdowns in public. Often, when we look at the changes in the context of our current season of life, our values, and our priorities, they don’t seem so bad. They make sense. Move those to the positive column.
Next, spend time on the other “negative changes” and see what thoughts come up for you around those things. Be specific. What are the thoughts? What is the fear? What is happening in my body when you see or feel these changes?
Example: I pick fights with my partner. I feel resentful towards him. The thoughts are that he is not doing as much as I am, he gets to sleep while I’m up all night, and that he doesn’t notice how hard all of this is for me. I am afraid that this is how it is always going to be—I’m going to be exhausted and he is just get to keep living his life. When I feel resentment, it feels like rage towards him. I want to scream, yell, or cry. I feel tension in my muscles, my face gets hot, and I just feel the need to get away.
OR
Example: I yell at my children. The thoughts are that they only listen when I yell, that no one around this house cares about what I need or how I feel, and that yelling is the only way people take me seriously. After I yell, the thoughts are that I am a bad mom. I have thoughts that my children deserve better than me. I have thoughts that I am not setting a good example. I worry that I am hurting them and that they are going to learn to handle frustration the way I did—by yelling. I initially feel a buildup of stress in my body. I get tense. My mind starts going faster. Sometimes I feal teary. After I yell, I feel so much guilt. It feels heavy in my chest.
Last, look at the thoughts. Are they helpful or hurtful? If they are helpful, great. If they are hurtful then maybe you can acknowledge they are there without giving them any more attention than they deserve. (Hint: The thought, “I am a bad mom,” or any other self-critical or judgmental thought is never helpful). Notice how when thoughts drive your behaviors you often act in ways you wish you hadn’t. Learning to notice thoughts from a distance can allow you space to decide if that thought is something you want to act on or not. Emotional regulation, or the ability to not be behaviorally driven by our thoughts and feelings, is one of the greatest skills we can all develop.
Some of these things may be very difficult for you to think about. If this feels overwhelming or too uncomfortable for you, I highly recommend working with a counselor. It can be hard to look at our actions, thoughts, and feelings in depth. Doing it with the help of a trained professional can allow you to do so at a pace that is right for you. It gives you someone to help prompt when you feel stuck or slow down when you may be going too fast. It gives guidance and support…something we all need in various seasons of life. Also, if you are struggling with depression, postpartum depression, anxiety, OCD or another mental health condition this exercise may be even more difficult for you, as you may have trouble recognizing what you feel or differentiating what are helpful vs harmful thoughts. If you aren’t sure, a great counselor can help you work through it all.
Your beliefs and ideas might change when you become a parent. That is ok! Take what is helpful and what brings you contentment and joy. Acknowledge what is harmful and take steps to shift. Above all, give yourself a ton of grace. You do not have to figure it all out today. A meaningful life is often just showing up, the way you want to, one moment at a time. One day at a time. Decide what is important to you and take one step at a time towards that life.
Colorado residents, I provide individual and couples counseling on all thing pregnancy, parenting, and relationships. If you are struggling to be the person, parent, or partner you want to be professional support may be helpful. I specialize in postpartum depression and mood concerns, anxiety, parent counseling, body image, maternal health, infertility, and relationships. Online services available in Woodland Park, Colorado Springs, Buena Vista, Salida, and throughout Colorado. Contact me for a free 15-minute consultation or schedule your appointment today.
