Is Breastfeeding the Gold-Star of Being a “Good Mom”?
When I was in the hospital after delivering my first child, I had a lactation consultant stop in. She was very kind and well-intentioned. I was running on zero (literally zero) hours of sleep for the past 24 hours. She proceeded to tell me, among other things, that if I could breastfeed my baby then he would have a higher IQ and a better-paying job one day vs if I chose formula. She left. I wanted to cry. I remember thinking how bizarre the interaction felt (which I’ll contribute partially to sleep deprivation) and how before even leaving the hospital there was a sense of guilt and pressure about an area of parenting that I knew absolutely nothing about.
Now, please know that I very much appreciate and approve of the work of lactation consultants. The support they give new mammas is so needed and valuable. I have met some amazing women in my career that provide lactation support and they are gentle and kind and so great at what they do. I am hopeful that my experience was not the norm. I truly believe that the messaging and support provided will only improve as we continue to learn, improve collaboration, and look at the big picture.
It’s World Breastfeeding Week, which means there is a lot of chatter about the topic. The benefits of breastfeeding are solid, although may be inflated or misreported at times (see above story). What is also shown in research, and talked about less frequently, is that an overwhelmed, under-nourished, under-slept, or unsupported caretaker can negatively impact the development of a baby. Research consistently shows that mothers who suffer with symptoms of postpartum depression or anxiety are more likely to have babies with increased risk of health, emotional, and social concerns. The potential reasons for this are exhaustive, and outside the realm of this post, but the data is still there.
Parents who are struggling with sleep deprivation, postpartum mood or other mental health concerns, family conflict, or marital/partner stress may have a more difficult time bonding with their baby and providing for their needs. Unfortunately, sometimes the pressure of breastfeeding may actually be contributing to the problem.
Breastfeeding can provide an amazing opportunity for bonding and connection. However, if it’s a time of stress, tears, resistance (from you or your baby) and eventual exhaustion and frustration, then it may be worth reconsidering.
What our babies need more than anything are healthy parents. Read that again. Healthy parents can bond with, provide for, and support the development of healthy babies. That can happen if the baby’s nutrition is coming from a breast or a bottle.
I work with so many women who have struggled with issues around breastfeeding. And, so many women continue to have guilt long after the season of nursing and bottles has passed- a feeling that they failed to provide for their child. If this is you, please hear this- you did the absolute best you could and made the best decision for your child and yourself with the information you had at that time. What we think should be easy or “natural” is not always easy. Or natural. If you are currently in the breastfeeding stage and feeling enormous pressure to keep up with the demand of your baby or feeling overwhelmed about feeding, take a pause and decide for you what is most important. What do you want to remember from this season of motherhood? With the exception of blatant safety concerns, it is not my, your medical providers, or anyone else’s place to tell you what you have to or “should” do. Trust yourself.
Here are a few resources on both breastfeeding AND maternal mental health:
US Department of Health and Human Services
https://www.womenshealth.gov/breastfeeding/breastfeeding-resources
Includes benefits, tips, resources, etc.
Postpartum Support International
Includes data, resources, and suggestions
As always, I encourage you to talk to your partner and/or your postpartum care team-- doctor, counselor, midwife, doula, lactation consultant-- whoever is supporting you. This is not an easy topic, and utilizing your support system can be helpful. Do your own research (from valid sources, of course!). But ultimately, trust that you know what the best decision is for the wellbeing of yourself and your baby. And remember, there are a lot of healthy, emotionally mature, happy, smart, and educated people in this world who have never tasted breast milk.
I provide individual and couples counseling on all things pregnancy, postpartum, and parenthood. My hope is to support you in becoming the person, partner, and parent you want to be. Services currently available in Woodland Park, Colorado Springs, and online throughout Colorado.
