What People Need to Know About the Invisible Load of Motherhood

We work with a lot of moms in our practice. In this work, an often unrecognized or misunderstood facet of a mother's life is the mental load of raising children. As a licensed counselor and mother of three, I can relate to this on a professional and personal level.

The mental work or invisible household labor that goes into parenting small humans and managing your family's schedules can feel overwhelming. If we are not careful, these responsibilities can lead to discontentment in our roles, resentment towards our partners, and overall lower relationship satisfaction.

It doesn't have to be this way. I believe that we can meet the needs of our families- physically, emotionally, and mentally- and that we can do it in a way that feels genuine and good. But we do need help.

Parenting can feel like a heavy burden. Child care and managing a household can feel like unpaid work, because it is! But the work of parenting doesn't have to feel like a burden, and it can feel like a blessing.

My hope for this article is to offer insight into the concept of the "default parent" and to help initiate the conversation on how to communicate this idea to others who may be unfamiliar.

Please note that this is not intended to disregard or underestimate the work that fathers or husbands play. A separate post could be written solely on the pressure and burden that men feel in supporting and providing for their family.

I hope that this information helps each partner share with each other so that it can improve relationships and lead to more appreciative and committed partnerships.

What is the invisible workload of motherhood?

The invisible work of moms encompasses the unacknowledged mental, emotional, and household labor that mothers manage daily. Unlike physical tasks, this invisible labor includes the constant mental checklist of planning, coordinating, and managing household responsibilities and family well-being.

One major aspect is the mental labor involved in keeping track of household chores, schedules, appointments, and activities, such as doctor visits, school events, and kids' schedules. Oftentimes, moms are the ones who plan meals, manage grocery lists, and ensure the household runs smoothly. It can feel like a lot!

Emotional labor is another critical component. Mothers often act as emotional caregivers, providing support and nurturing to their children and partners. They may feel solely responsible for managing the household's emotional climate, addressing conflicts, soothing fears, and fostering positive relationships.

Cultural norms and societal pressures intensify this burden. Mothers are judged on their ability to balance multiple roles seamlessly. Social media amplifies this pressure by showcasing idealized versions of motherhood, making many mothers feel inadequate or guilty if they fall short of these unrealistic standards.

The impact on mental health is significant, with chronic stress, anxiety, and burnout common among mothers juggling these unseen responsibilities. The guilt associated with prioritizing their own self-care further exacerbates this issue, as many moms struggle to balance taking care of themselves with taking care of others.

You can also read the work of Eve Rodsky, who has focused her work on gender equality and the full time jobs of mothers. (Please note that this is not a full endorsement of Eve's work, but an avenue to learn more.)

How the invisible load affects moms

The invisible load of motherhood can affect women in several ways—mentally, emotionally, and physically.

In our work with mothers, it is a common theme that the mental load of parenting often, and unintentionally, falls on one partner. This potentially unequal division can negatively impact family relationships and leave one partner feeling overwhelmed or isolated.

Mental

Mentally, the constant juggling of tasks leads to chronic stress and cognitive overload. Mothers frequently keep track of schedules, appointments, meal plans, and school activities. This unending mental labor can result in decision fatigue, making even simple choices feel overwhelming.

The mental burden often extends to anticipating future needs and potential problems, which can lead to persistent anxiety and sleep disturbances.

Emotional

Emotionally, mothers bear the weight of ensuring the family's emotional well-being. They often serve as the primary emotional caregivers, managing their children's and partners' emotions, resolving conflicts, and providing support. This emotional labor is taxing and can lead to feelings of being overwhelmed and emotionally drained.

The expectation to maintain a positive emotional environment adds to the pressure, making it difficult for mothers to address their own emotional needs.

Physical

Physically, the invisible load can manifest as exhaustion and burnout. The mental and emotional strain often leads to physical symptoms such as headaches, fatigue, and weakened immune responses.

The lack of time for self-care further exacerbates these issues, as mothers prioritize their family's needs over their own well-being.

This physical toll can have long-term health implications if not addressed.

Cultural

The societal and cultural expectations placed on mothers amplify these effects. The idealization of motherhood and the pressure to excel in multiple roles can lead to feelings of inadequacy and guilt.

Social media often portrays unrealistic standards, making mothers feel that they are not doing enough or are failing in their roles. This constant comparison exacerbates stress and diminishes self-esteem.

To mitigate these effects, it is crucial for partners and family members to actively share the load. Recognizing and valuing the invisible labor mothers perform can lead to better support and a more equitable distribution of responsibilities.

Practical strategies, such as using shared calendars and organizing family meetings, can help distribute tasks more evenly. Additionally, fostering open communication and creating a supportive environment where mothers feel valued and understood can significantly reduce the impact of the invisible load.

How to explain the mental load of motherhood and lighten the burden: 3 tips to try 

1. Open and Honest Communication

I always encourage open and honest communication with your husband and support system about what you feel is expected of you as a mom. Share specific examples of the mental and emotional labor involved on a daily basis.

For instance, explain how you manage the family's schedule, plan meals, or handle emotional caregiving. By making these responsibilities visible, you can foster a better understanding and appreciation of your efforts.

Use "I" statements to express how these tasks impact you personally, such as, "I feel overwhelmed when I have to remember all the school activities and appointments."

2. Share Responsibilities

Actively involve your partner and family members in anticipating needs and sharing the household responsibilities. Create a family calendar or use a shared app to organize tasks and schedules. Assign specific duties to each family member, ensuring that everyone contributes to the household management.

For example, if you usually plan meals and do the grocery shopping, delegate the shopping to your partner or older children while you handle the planning.

Regular family meetings can help discuss and redistribute tasks as needed, ensuring that the load is more evenly distributed.

3. Take Care Of Yourself And Protect Your Relationships

These two things- taking care of yourself and protecting your relationships- may feel counter-intuitive but they are not. Both are vitally important and need to carry equal weight in how you manage your time.

It is important to understand that taking time for yourself is essential and not a luxury. Schedule regular "me time" into your routine, whether it's a weekly exercise class, a hobby, or simply relaxing with a book.

Equally, protect your time with your partner and children. When it feels like all you are doing is acting a project manager and checking of tasks from a to-do list, you can easily lose the relational connection with the people you care about most.

I encourage all parents to look at their schedules and see where they are spending time together. Family dinner is one option to create time together. I also encourage parents to spend ten minutes of individual time with each child, daily. I know this can seem impossible at times, but I firmly believe the benefits to you and your family are enormous.

Final thoughts on the mental load of motherhood

The mental load of motherhood is real, and if not acknowledged, validated, and addressed, it can become problematic. Women need to recognize the invisible labor and take steps to identify options. Counseling can help you do that.

We work with women every day to help make the invisible visible and support ways to communicate needs to your partner, release control, and help you realize that things can keep running smoothly.

If you are interested in learning more check out our website here. You can also reach out to work together by visiting our contact page.

We offer easy, online scheduling and provide individual and couples counseling throughout Colorado.