How to Fix Mom Burnout: 5 Tips from a Therapist
Burnout happens. I just want to say this up front, because we need to realistic about parenting. It is hard work and it's a long-term responsibility (18+ years, right?). If you ask anyone who has had any job for 18 years if they ever felt burnt out, I can almost promise that every one of them would say "yes."
While it is important to recognize burnout and take steps to reduce stress, set boundaries, and address feeling overwhelmed, it is just as important to find better balance in how we view burnout so that we can stop feeling isolated in our experience and begin to feel connected with our children and family again.
Mom burnout, put simply, is a state of chronic stress and physical exhaustion that can undermine a mother’s mental health and parenting skills. It's that feeling of either overwhelm or checking out. Going from feeling like you're doing too much to not doing enough, and then back again.
As a mother of three, I have experienced mental exhaustion and maternal burnout. It is not fun and it doesn't feel good. I also work with many mothers who are in the trenches of parenting stress and feeling depleted.
My hope is that this reading helps any mother who is feeling exhausted find some peace in the process and also tangible steps on how to deal with mom burnout.
Breaking down mom burnout
Mom burnout, also known as parental burnout or "mommy burnout", refers to a state of extreme exhaustion and stress that can affect mothers who are overwhelmed by the demands of parenting. It arises when the pressure of raising children, managing a household, possibly balancing a career, and meeting societal expectations becomes too much to handle, leading to physical, emotional, and mental depletion.
These expectations may be real (ex. making dinner, household responsibilities, job, etc) or may be driven by perfectionistic tendencies or an out-of-sync nervous system. Unrealistic expectations are often the culprit, and addressing these may be the key to reducing mom burnout and improving your own well-being.
Here are some common signs and symptoms of mom burnout:
Emotional exhaustion: Mothers experiencing burnout often feel drained and unable to cope with their daily responsibilities. They might feel a constant sense of fatigue that isn't relieved by rest.
Increased irritability: Small annoyances might trigger anger or frustration that doesn't fit the circumstances. Moms might find themselves having a short temper with their children or family members.
Feelings of detachment: Burnout can lead to a sense of emotional detachment from one’s children or family, feeling like they're going through the motions rather than fully participating in family life.
Reduced personal accomplishment: Mothers may feel that they are not achieving or performing well in their role as a parent. This can lead to feelings of inadequacy and failure.
Physical symptoms: Physical signs might include headaches, stomachaches, changes in appetite, and trouble sleeping.
Depression and anxiety: Burnout can lead to or exacerbate symptoms of depression and anxiety, including persistent sadness, worry, and feelings of hopelessness.
Withdrawal from social activities: Moms experiencing burnout might isolate themselves from friends and family, withdrawing from social activities they once enjoyed.
Changes in behavior: This might include increased reliance on substances like alcohol or prescription drugs, or a significant drop in productivity at work or at home.
How to overcome mom burnout: 5 tips to try today
Overcoming mom burnout requires a combination of self-care, support from others, and sometimes changes to the daily routine or environment.
Here are some practical strategies for moms to help manage and overcome burnout:
1. Slow Down
In my clinical and personal experience, most often when women are experiencing burnout it is because they are doing too much of what they think they "should" do and not enough of what they want or actually need to do.
It may be time to take stock of what your days look like, and slow down to make room for things you want to do.
Example: Do one thing every day that YOU want to do.
How to do it: This sounds simple, but with the busyness of life as a mom, finding time to do something you want to do can feel impossible. But it's not.
Maybe it's sitting outside with your morning coffee instead of inside. Maybe it's taking a longer shower while your partner watches the kids.
This type of self care doesn't have to involve spending lots of time or money. Just a few 5-10 minute pockets doing something you want to can allow you to give just a little to yourself throughout your day.
2. Set Realistic Expectations:
If you are feeling overwhelmed by the additional responsibilities of parenthood, it may be time to redefine what is absolutely necessary and what can be let go. This is difficult for moms who may experience anxiety, but it is crucial to help prevent burnout.
Not everything has to be perfect, and it’s okay to lower standards on less critical tasks in favor of well-being.
When it comes to setting expectations, social media can be the enemy. Nothing will make a good mom feel overwhelmed faster than seeing a highlight reel of what other moms may (or may not, actually) be doing.
Example: Managing the messes and household chores
How to do it: One thing I consistently hear from moms is something like this... "I can't relax if the house is messy." I get it, and sometimes catch myself thinking the same thing. But the truth is that it's not the messy house, specifically, that is causing the stress. It's usually the underlying feeling of not having control, thinking there is too much to do and no time to do it, and general overstimulation.
Whether you are a working mom or a stay-at-home mom, you probably are keenly aware that maintaining a spotless home with children is a nearly impossible task. Kids make messes. It's developmentally appropriate and allows them to learn and discover in countless ways. Recognizing and accepting this can help manage your expectations around a mess and alleviate stress. Establish a routine of cleanup after play, and have your kids help!
Regarding household chores, I recommend focusing on one or two consistent tasks per day that help you feel comfortable in your home. These might be unloading/loading the dishwasher, keeping the coffee table cleared of clutter, or one load of laundry. Just one or two tasks, not the long to-do list that has no end. Once that feels routine, you can consider adding another, but make sure you grant yourself some self-compassion and allow things to be left undone when necessary.
Always remember that contrary to what many of us feel, a beautiful life and connected motherhood are not created by having a spotless home. Stay focused on what is important.
3. Stay Connected:
Maintain social connections. Socializing can improve mood and reduce feelings of isolation.
This can be through simple outings, calling family or friends, joining clubs or groups, or engaging in community activities.
Example: Commit to calling a friend once a week.
How to do it: Put it on your calendar or to-do list. Set a reminder on your phone. Place a Post-it note on your bathroom mirror. It doesn't matter how you remind yourself, just do it.
Once a week, call a friend or close family member to talk. You don't have to commit a ton of time and you don't have to wait for the perfect time. Give 10-15 minutes to contact someone outside your home who isn't screaming "Mommy!" every five seconds.
Staying connected with friends and other family members can help avoid burnout by reducing stress, maintaining a connection outside of motherhood, and keeping a support system in place.
4. Focus on Quality Time:
Instead of worrying about the quantity of time spent with children, focus on the quality. Engage in activities that you and your children enjoy. This personal time can strengthen your relationship and reduce stress.
Example: 10 minutes of individual time, per day
How to do it: Make it a priority to spend 10 minutes of individual time each day with your child/children. This time should not be contingent on behavior and is ideally consistent.
Play a game, go for a bike ride, or chat while eating ice cream. What you do doesn't matter as much as giving your child your full attention for that time. 10 minutes may not seem like a lot, but the positive impact on the relationship is massive.
5. Practice Gratitude:
Maintaining a gratitude practice can shift focus from stress to appreciation. This is HUGE in combating burnout of any cause.
The more we look for what is good, the more we will find it. Taking time each day to focus on what you are grateful for instead of what is going wrong can start to rewire your brain to see the good, even through the hard.
Example: Write (yes, I encourage writing) three to five things each day that you are grateful for.
How to do it: Keep it in a notebook, your computer, or the notes file on your phone. Each day, pause and write a few things you are grateful for in that moment.
Some days may feel easier than others, and that's ok. It's a practice and with practice, it will get easier.
I also love this gratitude journal. I use it myself and appreciate how simple it is with thoughtful prompts if I'm feeling stuck.
In my experience
Burnout happens, and the faster you can recognize it and make necessary changes, the faster it will loosen its grip on your life. In my experience working with hundreds of parents, these tips can help improve mental health and reduce the impact of parental burnout.
If you feel these tips feel unattainable for you or out of reach, it may be time to dig a little more to find out what is going on. Additional ideas for seeking professional support might include individual therapy, family therapy, or parenting groups.
Get the professional, compassionate mom burnout help you need (and deserve).
Parenting is not easy, and our goal at Exploration Counseling is not to suggest it should be. Most things worthwhile come with challenges, and we are here to help you address those challenges in a way that aligns with your values and who you want to be as a person and a parent.
If you are struggling with stress management or mental health concerns and wonder if burnout may be a contributing factor, you are not alone and we can help. You are more than "just a mom" and you deserve to find yourself and your joy in this parenting journey.
We offer professional help for issues related to parenting and postpartum through evidence-based and practical support. Our goal is always to make things as simple as possible, so easy online scheduling and virtual sessions are available.
Contact us to learn more.
