12 Best Ways to Help a Postpartum Mom
Welcoming a new baby can be such an exciting time, not only for parents, but also for friends and family. In my experience as a mother and a postpartum therapist, people want to support new moms but often aren't sure how.
I am a mom of three and a certified perinatal mental health therapist, and I can say I don't have all of the answers. My own needs and ideas around help changed with each child. What I needed in those early days after my first baby was born was not the same as what my family and I needed after bringing home our second child. And then things shifted again when we had our third!
Each mother and birth experience is unique, so there is no one right way. But, some ideas and tips can allow family and friends to help a postpartum mom in those first months with a newborn.
How to help a postpartum mom: 12 tips from a postpartum therapist
While there are several ways to help a new mom (or seasoned mama adding a new baby to the family!) here are a few that are sure to make the new parents feel loved and cared for.
I have sorted these into different categories to make it easier for you to find strategies or actions that feel manageable to you.
Logistical support for postpartum moms
Logistical support is often the most under-rated, but most important and meaningful way friends and family can help a new mother. Coming over to the house to visit or hold the baby can be nice, and is almost always done with good intentions. However, that alone can sometimes cause more stress for parents than you would ever intend.
Here are a few ways friends and family members can offer logistical support to new parents
1. Take care of the other children for a while
If there are older children in the home, this can be a game-changer during the postpartum period. If you're a trusted friend or family member, offer to take the older children for a few hours. This can allow mom and dad to slow down a little and spend some uninterrupted time with their new baby.
If taking them out of the house isn't feasible, offer to come over and entertain or care for them for a few hours.
2. Wash and put away dirty dishes
Now I'm not suggesting you barge into your friend's house and just start cleaning. But hey, if you have that kind of relationship then go for it! What I am suggesting is that you look for small ways to offer support by completing small tasks around the house that new mothers may not have the time, energy, or physical ability to do in those first several weeks. Do the dishes, mow the yard, shovel snow, etc.
3. Take and do the baby's laundry
I have always found it amazing how much laundry a newborn baby goes through! A unique and thoughtful way of giving parents a break is to take the baby's laundry home and bring it back all clean! Offering to do all of the laundry may feel a little vulnerable, but the baby's laundry is something you can do with ease.
4. Offer to watch the baby for 2-3 hours while the new mama gets a little more rest
This one can be hard for some new mothers, but it is always worth offering. If a mother is nursing, you may need to time it between feedings, but in those first few weeks (when babies sleep a lot during the day!) it can be helpful to allow mama to get some extra sleep while you spend time with the baby. Some moms may feel guilty about this, but sleep deprivation is a very real struggle with a newborn. It never hurts to offer, but always respect the mother's decision if they politely decline.
Helping a postpartum mother with material support
Bring something that will make life easier or more comfortable for your friend. Here are a few options to consider.
5. BRING FOOD
In my personal experience and my professional work, this is my number one suggestion and may be the best gift you can give! Bring over some food, and don't wait for the new mom to ask for it. Just bring food! It can be good healthy snacks, a freezer meal (or a few), or their favorite take-out. Just try to make sure it's already prepared, or at least very easy to prepare.
After giving birth a mom needs healthy meals to help her keep up some energy and allow her body to heal. Finding time to eat, let alone making the meal, can be hard in those first few months.
You and a small group of friends or other moms could also consider setting up a meal train. These are great for parents after giving birth because it's one less thing they have to worry about!
6. Get groceries
This one isn't quite the same as bringing already-prepared food, but it can be equally as helpful for any new parent. Ask them to send you a list and go grocery shopping for them! Or, if they do online orders, offer to pick it up and bring it to their home. Bonus if you can put them all away! Maybe it's just grabbing some milk and eggs, or maybe it's a full grocery haul. Either way, it will make their life a little easier.
7. Pick up a box of diapers or baby wipes
Diapers and wipes are always needed. When you come to visit, bring a few of the essentials with you. If you're not sure about diaper size, go a size or two up because the baby will grow into them.
8. Bring small, quiet, simple gifts for the older children
That first month after a new baby comes, the whole family is adjusting to a new way of life. Consider bringing a small age-appropriate gift (think books, puzzles, etc) for the older child. This lets them know they are being thought of and also gives them something new and fun to do while mom or dad is caring for the baby.
Emotionally supporting postpartum moms
Emotional support for both parents is really important. It is often something that is overlooked or misunderstood. Many new mothers suffer in silence. They could be struggling with nursing, feeling like they aren't bonding well, dealing with a mood concern, having unwanted intrusive thoughts, or simply just completely exhausted.
Here are a few ways you can be there for your friend or loved one.
9. Send a check-in text
A simple text, checking in on how they are doing can be so meaningful. Focus the attention on how SHE'S doing, not just how the baby is doing. It can also be nice to remind her that she doesn't need to text you back right away. She may be sleeping or busy. You just want to let her know she's on your mind.
10. Let her know you are available if she ever wants to talk
Do you know how sometimes just talking through your thoughts or emotions with your best friend can make you feel so much better? Don't forget this still applies! You don't have to be pushy, but letting your friend know you are there to listen is huge.
11. Only share your own birth experience if she asks.
This one may seem strange, but hear me out. Many times we can accidentally disrupt one person's experience by sharing our own. It is not intentional, but it happens. And in our work, we find it frequently happens when it comes to sharing birthing experiences.
If a mother had a traumatic birth, she may not yet be able to hear about positive birth experiences without feeling guilt, sadness, or shame. On the flip side, elaborating on your own lengthy, scary, or traumatic birth can make a new mother feel as if she maybe didn't experience enough struggle. This can be a dicey area.
My best advice is to simply let this time be about your friend and only offer your own experience if she asks.
12. If she doesn't seem herself, gently say something
If you feel that your friend is not herself and are concerned she may be suffering from a postpartum mood or anxiety condition, let her know you see her and you want to get her the help she needs. Offer to go with her to talk to her OBGYN or help her find resources for a qualified therapist. Many women struggling postpartum can feel very alone and are afraid to speak up.
A soft and caring nudge from a good friend can make a big difference. You can also refer her to our homepage, here, where she can find reliable information and a list of helpful resources. She can also quickly schedule an intake session with one of our clinicians if she's ready.
FAQs about the postpartum period
How long are you considered postpartum?
When you hear the word "postpartum" it is technically referring to the time from birth to one year after delivery. You may also hear the term "fourth trimester" which describes the first three months after delivery.
During the postpartum period, the mother's body is going through physical and hormonal changes, and the family is adjusting to having a new member. Both physical health and mental health are impacted during the postpartum period.
While those first few weeks or months after delivery are important, new parents can often use ongoing support from friends and loved ones beyond that first year.
What is the most common complication for the mother after birth?
New mothers can experience various complications during or after having a new baby. Physical complications such as an emergency c-section, excessive bleeding, or a baby in the NICU can cause immense stress on both parents.
A mother may experience birth trauma, which can have a lasting emotional impact if ignored or not treated appropriately.
During the first two weeks, as many as 80% of women experience baby blues. Baby blues are thought to be the result of drastic hormonal changes and lack of sleep in those first few weeks.
It is believed that one in five women will also experience symptoms of postpartum depression or postpartum anxiety. It is important to know that postpartum mood or anxiety disorders (also called PMADs) can happen anytime during pregnancy or in the first year after the baby is born.
How long does postpartum pain last?
It is hard to know how long postpartum struggles will last. For many women, most of the physical and emotional healing will happen within the first six weeks. For others, it can be a year or more before she's feeling like herself again.
In our experience, untreated postpartum depression or birth trauma is one of the biggest factors in negatively impacting a mother's experience and contributing to long-term suffering. Having a trusted friend, partner, postpartum doula, or qualified mental health professional to talk through her experience and help find women's services for any ongoing complications will make new motherhood, self-care, and taking care of her new baby easier.
Encourage your loved one to get the postpartum support they need (and deserve).
Having a baby is exciting. Not just for the parents, but also for the extended family and friends. Being there to support a new or growing family is so important and valuable. It can also be hard to see a new parent struggling and not know how to help.
I hope this information gives you some useful ideas and helps you feel more comfortable. Whether it is by working with a counselor, physical therapist, lactation consultant, or other postpartum specialist, we want every new mother to get the postpartum support they deserve.
Contact us if you have any questions or feel we can help.
