Four Ways To Create More Meaningful Relationships
Have you ever met someone who said that marriage, parenting, and friendships were easy? Me neither.
We hear about it all the time. We probably talk to our own friends or counselors about it. The struggle of trying to juggle all the things in our lives can be very real. And unfortunately it’s often our relationships that suffer while we’re trying to keep all the balls from hitting the floor.
Relationships can be tough. Meaningful relationships take time, effort, and vulnerability. While research consistently shows that quality relationships are what bring the most joy and create the most purpose in our lives, it also shows that relationships can cause the most suffering. You know how they say that nothing of value comes easy? That saying could not be more true than it is here.
In my work and in my own life I have come to believe that the biggest difficulty with maintaining relationships comes down to priority. If I ask a mama what is more important, her relationship with her teenager or their dirty socks continuously left on the floor, it’s always their relationship. If I ask a wife what is more important, the quality time and connection in her marriage or getting through the next Netflix episode, she will always say her marriage. If I ask what is more important, playing with her toddler or doing the dishes, playing always wins. The problems come when her anxious brain is telling her that the “other” stuff needs to happen first before she can relax or be present with her loved ones. We, as women and mothers, know what is important to us. But societal pressure, our own expectations of ourselves, anxiety, and difficulty regulating our own emotions can cause us to lose sight of those things.
Here are four steps you can start taking today to create more meaningful relationships:
Start small.
Like, really small. It sounds counterintuitive but solid relationships are not made from hosting elaborate dinners, throwing the biggest party, or always knowing exactly the right thing to say. Keep it simple, and consistent. Tell your partner and kids you love them. Every day. Leave a note. Text a friend something that reminds you of them. Send a ecard for coffee when you know they have something big (or small) coming up. Ask for advice from your kids (and take it!). Say your sorry when you mess up. Small acts, consistently, are what lay the foundation of quality relationships with our children, partner, family, and friends.
Make time and give your undivided attention.
I know, I know…time is not something we can easily find, but hear me out. Making time and giving your attention might mean your child gets ten minutes of your undivided attention each night before bed. Maybe you at least attempt to call your friend when the kids are napping (we all know that plan can derail quickly…so have some grace here). One very simple, but often not easy, thing you can do is be intentional about actually looking at who you are talking to. When you and your partner are having a conversation, put your phone down and look at them. When your child is talking to you, pause long enough to make eye contact with them. Eye contact can show you are listening and you care.
Practice acceptance.
Like it or not, our job in a relationship is not to change the other person. Our job is to love and accept them for who they are, and then we can decide what role they get to play in our lives. So much struggle and suffering comes from trying to have a relationship with someone and also change them to be what we want them to be. Accepting another person for who they are might be the greatest gift we can give them.
A few caveats here. As parents, part of our job is to guide and teach. That means recognizing that some behaviors may be unacceptable and showing love through discipline or reinforcement/consequences when necessary. However, it is so important as parents that our children know that their behaviors are not a reflection of who they are. A behavior may be unacceptable. A person is always accepted.
Also, acceptance is not condoning an action or behavior. We can accept others and still disagree with things they do. Like I said earlier, we get to decide what role they play in our lives.
This concept of acceptance can be difficult, and often raises a lot of questions. Working with a counselor who has experience with Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (also known as ACT) can be really helpful.
Mercy before justice.
Forgiveness is hard. But maintaining a relationship while holding on to hurts, judgment, or resentment is even harder in the long run. Forgiveness can often feel like weakness. It requires vulnerability to forgive someone and still allow them to have a role in our life where they could possibly hurt us again. But all relationships are going to require forgiveness if they are going to survive. Sometimes we are the ones forgiving, and sometimes we are the ones in need of that forgiveness.
As parents, we can often get caught up in “fixing” a behavior that we feel is problematic, and we lose sight of the relationship. Connection is more important than control. When it comes to the people you love, show mercy first, always.
I would be misguided and misinformed if I believed or tried to suggest that all of these things should be easy for everyone. If you are in a difficult season of life or are struggling with depression or anxiety, these steps can feel daunting. Even impossible. If you are a new mom or a mom of young children and trying to juggle all the things, making time for friends outside of your home can feel like a daydream. I get that and don’t want to minimize these struggles in any way. If this feels like you, counseling can be helpful. Please reach out and see how we can support you.
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