A values-based journey is about going rather than arriving. It is not a destination. It’s choosing to move in a certain direction…over and over again.

So what is a value? I get asked this question a lot, as values are something I talk about frequently with my clients. In short, a value is an intrinsic (meaning it’s chosen by you, not by someone else) trait or quality that a person has identified to bring meaning and purpose to their life.

What??? Keep reading…

Values are like a compass. They direct our actions and our behaviors. They help us decide what to do. A values-based decision is more than just action (or inaction) based on a list of pros and cons, and it is more than creating a goal. Values help create clarity on our next right steps towards the life we want to live.

What is values-based parenting?

Values-based parenting is deciding what qualities are important to you as a parent. And then more importantly, taking the steps that allow you to parent in that way. One place parents can struggle is when there is an awareness that how we are showing up in our parenting is not how we want to. Put simply, our actions don’t align with our values. When actions don’t align with values it creates internal conflict that can often lead to guilt, anxiousness, stress, and overwhelm. These feelings often create more behaviors that we aren’t proud of…and the cycle continues…

There are many things that can try and get in the way of acting within your values. Mental health conditions, trauma, difficulty regulating your own emotions, clutter, packed schedules, comparison, loneliness…just to name a few. Addressing these things are important and are often part of treatment and support towards values-based living and parenting.

Here’s an example of how values-based parenting helps guide action:

A mom says, “I value creating a peaceful home for my family, but when I get stressed or overwhelmed I yell at my husband and children. I think it scares my kids sometimes.” She is very aware that her actions are not in alignment with what is important to her, and it doesn’t feel good.

So now what? Action towards her value would be to work on her own emotional regulation and ability to manage frustrations while still showing up in a way she feels good about. Therapy, coaching, parenting classes, moms groups, books, etc. can all be helpful with this. And each step she takes towards learning a different way- learning to respond instead of react- is a chosen step towards her commitment to her values.

Fast forward a little bit, and she is learning to recognize when her body is feeling frustrated, afraid, or anxious. She is able to be in a potentially stressful situation and remain calm. She is able to take a breath and speak calmly to her child and even notice what they need, even when they are acting out. This not only allows her to feel good about how she is supporting that value of a peaceful home, but it also models a positive behavior for her child. Everyone wins.

The thing about values is that they sound simple, but to implement them is often not an easy thing to do. Why? The main reason is lack of clarity on what yours are. The second reason, I believe, is the desire for instant gratification. Something all humans can struggle with. We are wired to seek pleasure and avoid pain as quickly as possible. But choosing to act within your values can often mean delaying gratification. Being guided by values encourages people to behave in ways that align with their long-term interests, not just the thing they want right now. In the example above, choosing values-based parenting means that mother has to learn to pause, recognize what is happening in her own body and in her environment, release some control in a situation, and be able to slow down enough to make a choice on how to respond instead of reacting out of stress or irritation. Those are not easy things to do and in that moment can be very uncomfortable. Discomfort often leads a person to react in a way that feels familiar. But instant gratification often leads to long-term discouragement.

How To Discover Your Own Parenting Vaues

Here are a few thoughts to get you started on discovering your own values in parenting:

If everything is important, then nothing is important:

If you’re like me, you can pretty easily decide that you care about everything. It all matters. But remember, if everything is important then nothing is important. Brene Brown suggests any more than three values deflates the impact of the value and can create confusion on the direction you go and the actions you take. Keep the list short. Take some time to decide what really matters most to you.

Pick a role model, guide, or hero

If you’re not sure where to start, think about someone you admire and how they parent. Maybe it’s someone you know personally or maybe it’s someone from a book or movie. What qualities do they show that seem meaningful to you? What do they do and say that you are drawn to? This can help you identify some values.

What do you want your kids to say about you?

If someone asked your child what their mom is like, what would you want them to say? This is one of my favorite questions to ask myself and to discuss with my clients.

Seek help and support

Maybe it’s through your partner, friend, church group, mom’s group, or a mental health provider. We all need support in parenthood. It is not something that is meant to be done alone.

Give yourself grace

Know that you are never going to get it right all the time. No one does. Even when you get very clear on your values, there is no such thing as a perfect parent. Mistakes will happen and that’s ok. Apologize if needed and recommit to actions towards those values. You’ve got this.

Five Tips To Discover Your Parenting Values