Tips To Settle The “Anxious Planner”
Planning is generally considered a good thing. Having an idea of what your days, weeks, or even year will look like helps you stay on track, do things you want to do, and move your life in a direction you’re proud of.
Research consistently shows that having goals and a plan is helpful for creating a life of more fulfillment. Research also shows that writing those goals and that plan down make you significantly more likely to do it. Win-Win, right?
Some people thrive on extensive and elaborate plans.Others prefer to have a general outline and go with the flow. Neither are bad. Both have pros and cons.There are very few, if any, scenarios where one could say that having zero plan is the ideal. So we can all agree that some planning is necessary. But when does planning go too far?
It is very possible, and even common, for individuals who are prone to anxiousness and perfectionism to over-plan and under-do. This is what you might hear referred to as the “anxious planner.” You can spend more time planning the perfect workout schedule, revolving meal plan, or house cleaning routine but when it comes time to actually implement the plan things start to fall apart. Can you relate? Do you scroll Instagram and Pinterest for motivation and ideas, create organizational systems you’re excited about, and then struggle to follow through? If so, you’re not alone. If this feels familiar, then you may benefit from re-assessing how you plan and WHY you plan. Remember, it’s less important that a plan is pretty or elaborate and more important that it is functional FOR YOU. If you describe yourself as a “planner” (or aspiring planner) then it’s important to recognize if your planning is getting in the way of your living. Is it working for you?
In our practice we work with a lot of new and seasoned moms. Some are struggling with a perinatal mood or anxiety disorder (PMAD) and others are dealing with adjustment, sleep issues, identity changes, stress or overwhelm, or parenting struggles with their children. No matter the reason for seeking support, one thing is consistently expressed- mom’s can feel like their world, their surroundings, and their own emotional mood are out of their control.
Anxiety does this to us- it can make you feel like something is wrong when it’s not. Like you need to do more. Like very little is good enough. Lists are created (often multiple times), social media is searched, sleep is lost…and you don’t feel any better. Your anxious brain will try to convince you that you can’t relax or rest. In reality, relaxation and rest is one of the most important things that mother’s need!
How do you know if your anxious brain is taking over the planning? Here are a few flags:
You’re up at night thinking through things that need to be done or planning what you’re going to do about something.
You have multiple lists or phone notes that you never really look at again after they're created.
You spend excessive time on social media looking at posts, blogs, and courses on planning, organization, or productivity.
You constantly feel like you can’t keep up with things, even though 90+% of your time is spent thinking about what you need to do or how you can get things done.
Just reading that sounds exhausting, right?
Here are a few suggestions to help learn how planning can work for you, not against you. Please note, this is not an exhaustive list and it’s only purpose is to get you thinking about ways you might be able to make planning more functional. And maybe even a little fun!
First, and I think most important…plan for FUN things! Don’t make your lists or calendar just a bunch of check-boxes of things you feel like you HAVE to do. “To-Do list” sounds restrictive, boring, and punitive. Write down the “Get To’s” and the “Can’t wait for…” and the enjoyable things too. If you have young children, maybe “PLAY” is at the top of your list nearly every day. Is there anything wrong with that? I sure don’t think so.
NOTE: If you are struggling with anxiety, depression, or overwhelm please know that this one may be really difficult for you at first. It’s hard for your anxious brain to see where play or rest is more important than laundry, cleaning, or whatever else. It is SO common for moms to say things like “I value quality time and play with my kids, but every time I sit down to play my mind is on all of the other stuff I should be doing.” If you want to spend more time connecting with your little one but feel there isn’t enough time, then putting connection at the top of your list is exactly what needs to happen. However, your anxious brain will try and convince you otherwise. Just recognize this, try it out, give yourself grace, and reach out for support if it doesn’t feel like it’s working for you.
Pick 1-3 things each day that you want to get done. Especially if you are new or adjusting momma, don’t try and complete a list of 20 things each day. It’s too much…I promise.
Plan in down time. Lots of white space in your planner, maybe even with delegated rest periods (and of course, outdoor time!), can decrease stress and anxiety because it doesn’t feel like you have to quickly move from one thing to the next. A full planner is not an indication of a full life.
Keep one notebook or virtual note sheet for making lists and writing down reminders.Sticky notes, voice reminders, and telling your partner to remind you can all get lost or forgotten. Having one place helps you know where to go and where to look.
Accept and embrace the fact that what works for your best friend, counselor, or the planning guru on social media may not work for you. Look at things as an experiment- try different stuff and see what you can stick with and what doesn’t fit.
Short bursts of “doing” can be really helpful. Try a 15 minute tidy up each evening (literally set a timer), one load of laundry per day, etc. Trying to tackle a whole house clean or huge project in one day can be overwhelming, and with kids around downright impossible. Start small…very small.
Give yourself grace. Some days will feel “productive” and other days just won’t. That’s ok. Again…small steps. The goal is to help you recognize that you are in the driver’s seat of your own life- not your anxious brain.
As we say around here all the time….KEEP IT SIMPLE. If you like elaborate planner spreads with colors or stickers and creating them feels fun and exciting, great! But it doesn’t have to be that way. A few notes on a page in your notebook, scribbled in black ink, only legible to you, works just fine.
Remember, you are not your anxious brain. If you feel that anxiety is in the driver's seat of your life please know that it doesn’t have to be that way. Working with a counselor to develop skills to create awareness, develop skills, and commit to action to take back your life can be very helpful. Efficient planning is just one way to help do that. Always feel free to reach out and see how we can help.
A few exciting things are coming soon. One is a FREE webinar to help jump start those skills that address anxiousness in motherhood and help you live your life the way you want to. Join our email list below to be the first to hear when it’s happening! You’ll also get 10% off your first purchase in the Step Outside Studio!
PS. If you have purchased a product through our store, please know that this webinar and content creation would not be possible without your support. THANK YOU! If you haven’t visited the Step Outside Studio yet, click here to see what it’s all about! All profits go to improving access to quality mental health support. Check it out!
