Planning To Bring Your Baby Home
You're pregnant. Congrats! You have probably already started planning and researching- names, nursery design, what you should eat and what you should avoid, birth plans, best car seats, strollers, breast pumps, and baby-wearing gear. You want to make sure that everything is in order and prepared to bring your little love into the world. I get it. When we had our first child I knew what his "first food" was going to be before he was even born. Too much? Maybe. But, in my own experiences and in working with my clients, I have learned that there are things to plan for that will have a much greater payoff for you and your child. They just aren't as glamorous, or the things you may initially think of.
Having a baby is exciting and nerve-racking. If you are like me, you believe that you can plan the nerves out of it. Like, if everything is in order then you will automatically know what to do when something unexpected comes up. And guess what? As a parent, you probably will know what to do. Parental instinct is a beautiful thing. However, there are things you can plan for that will far outweigh first foods and choice of diapers (I know, they're not all created equal...but still). A general plan will allow you to feel more prepared, but also make space for flexibility when you need to adjust. Planning and flexibility can go hand-n-hand! Here are a few things I encourage all new parents to think about and discuss before the baby is born.
A Flexible Birth Plan
A birth plan is great. It is helpful to know that you, your partner, and your medical team are on the same page about things like induction, epidurals, or vaginal birth vs c-section. However, childbirth does not always go exactly like you may plan. In fact, it rarely does. I encourage you to create a flexible birth plan with your end goal in mind. I have seen a lot of new parents that struggle when their birth does not go exactly like they had planned and it can create a lot of guilt, shame, or even birthing trauma. At the end of the day, you want a healthy baby and healthy momma. The route to getting there will be different for everyone and may warrant a change in plans as labor progresses. It's ok. It's ok to change your mind. It's ok to try for a natural birth and then decide you want pain management. It's ok to want a vaginal birth but realize that a c-section is the safest way to get your baby into the world. There is no right or wrong. Trust me, you will decrease a ton of stress if you can be flexible with your birth plan and know that the end result is what matters. Healthy Momma. Healthy baby.
A Postpartum Support Person
A postpartum support person is someone who is there to check in on you and step in to help. This help may be predetermined or as needed. Maybe it is your parent, close friend, on sister-in-law. They may come snuggle a baby while you nap. Maybe they help with laundry or meals. Most importantly, they are there to reach out to for emotional support if you are feeling overwhelmed, overly tired, or worried. Maybe you have a large support system already and feel that you will not need a designated person. I encouraged you to reconsider. Sometimes when there are a lot of people, each person assumes that another is taking care of things— taking care of you. When there is a designated person, it is someone you know you can reach out to because you have already talked about it.
A Plan for Communication
You and your partner may have excellent communication. You have talked for hours about what it is going to be like when your little one gets here. And then you bring your baby home and your both in a fog. Neither of you are sleeping well. You may be stressed about feedings and diaper changes. Other family members may be around frequently or staying in your home. Next thing you know, it has been two weeks since you and your partner have actually talked. Like, really talked— more than topics like when the baby last ate, who is going to the newborn doctor's appointment, or why is the baby so fussy. Topics like, "How are you feeling?", "How can we support each other?", "Who do we need to ask for help?", "What was your favorite part about today?" Again, it is best if there is some flexibility around this, but checking in with each other for 5-10 minutes every day can be really helpful in ensuring that each of you are getting what you need and feeling like you are in this parenting thing together. Because you are! So many conflicts and relationship issues arise when partners stop communicating after a baby arrives. Setting the expectation and having a plan in place, before baby, can mitigate a lot of relationship stress and help you both feel more connected.
A Plan For Rest
Oh man. Sleep. When you have a new baby, be prepared to be asked, "How is he/she sleeping?" by almost everyone you talk to. Personally, I wish that people would stop asking that question because I believe that a lot of new moms/parents take it as a measuring stick on how they are doing as a parent. If your baby is sleeping well then you are doing a good job. If they're not, then you must be doing something wrong. I have worked with new parents on baby sleep issues for years, and trust me when I say this— there may be things that you can do to improve baby sleep, but how your child sleeps is zero reflection on you as a parent. It's just not. So, drop the measuring stick, and talk to you partner about how each of you can get quality rest regardless of how your baby is sleeping. You both need it. Sleep is the number one issue that new parents struggle with, and it impacts so many other areas— emotions, enjoyment, clarity in decision-making, connection. There are a lot of opinions about sleep, and you and your partner will come up with a plan that works for you. Just know that as long as all are sleeping safely, there is no right or wrong. Do what works. Check in every few days or once a week and see if the plan is still working. You may need to adjust, and that is ok. The goal is to make sure that each parent's sleep is given priority and each person is able to get quality rest. You may think it is not possible, but with some planning, releasing expectations, and support, you can enjoy the first days/weeks/months of parenting feeling at least semi-rested.
A Plan For Postpartum Mood Concerns
This one is a big one, and one I wish I had given more thought to before having my first child. If you experience perinatal or postpartum mood concerns like anxiety, depression, OCD, or insomnia (approx 10-15% of new parents do) it can come on quickly and you may feel overwhelmed and not know what to do. It can be helpful to talk about this with your OBGYN and consider meeting with a counselor during pregnancy to discuss how to navigate the difficult feelings, scary thoughts, or sleepless nights if they arise. A counselor who specializes in perinatal mental health can help you have a plan in place, and they can also then be available to you if you need them anytime after baby arrives. It can be daunting and discouraging to try and find a counselor in the midst of mood concerns, new baby, and overwhelm. Having a counselor already in place can allow you to simply schedule an appointment and meet with a familiar face. Some new parents like to go ahead and have a counseling check-in scheduled 6-8 weeks after baby, similar to a postnatal check-up with your OBGYN. Again, there is no right or wrong way, but having an identified counselor can help you feel more prepared if you do experience postpartum mood concerns.
Pregnancy and parenthood can raise a lot of questions and there is no wrong questions to ask your healthcare provider and/or counselor. With the right support in place, you can rest a little easier knowing that you are not having to navigate all of the changes alone. You can enjoy that little one!
If you are pregnant or considering bringing a child into your home, maybe through adoption or foster care, counseling may be helpful in navigating some of the uncertainties and allow you to have more comfort in knowing that you are doing things in ways that align with your values. Through individual and couples counseling, I provide a specialized approach to navigating the early stages or parenthood. Services are available in Woodland Park, Manitou Springs, Colorado Springs, and online therapy throughout Colorado.
