You Are Not Your Thoughts
I am a bad mom. I am not doing enough for my family. I am not doing a good job at work. My husband is not satisfied in our marriage. I need to be working out more. I shouldn't eat that. Something terrible is going to happen to my child. When are people going to discover that I have absolutely no idea what I am doing??
Any of this sound familiar? If you are like most people, especially parents, then you have likely experienced negative and unhelpful thoughts. Lots of them. These thoughts can be discouraging at best and downright scary at worst.
Most of our stress, worry, and mood disturbances are initiated and worsened by thoughts. Our actions are what others see, but our thoughts are often hidden inside ourselves. If we allow it, they can be the secret drivers of what we do and how we behave.
Here's the thing about thoughts…they aren't facts. Studies show that up to 80% of what we think and worry about never actually happens or just fundamentally is not true. But thoughts are powerful. They are how the human species has survived and thrived. We have the ability to think and plan ahead. We can assess risk. We can prepare for danger and create plans to mitigate said danger. This is helpful for survival in the wild. It is not so helpful in parenthood and relationships. By taking the approach of thinking, planning, and mitigating all risk, we lose sight of the importance of connection, building resilience, and experiencing life as it is.
You are not your thoughts. When thoughts hijack your mind, and your time, it can feel like they are right in front of your face screaming at you, and you are unable to see past or around them. I am a bad mom. I need to be doing more. Something bad is going to happen. It feels like there is no separation between you and what you are thinking. So how can you create space between yourself and those unwanted thoughts? Ignoring them, fighting with them, or trying to avoid them doesn't work for most people. What does work is allowing them, acknowledging them, and then setting them aside so you can go about your life. Here are some ideas.
Creating space between yourself and your thoughts:
What is the thought?
Take time to pause and notice what the thoughts are. Until you can stop and get clarity on the thoughts, you can't know what to do with them. Knowledge is power here. It may be one dominant thought or several. Just slow down, listen, and hear what you are telling yourself.
Is the thought helpful or hurtful?
The thoughts may be positive or negative. Either way is fine. What is important to decide is whether the thought is helpful or hurtful to you. If it is helpful, then it warrants your attention. If it is hurtful, then it usually does not. Shame, discouragement, and negative words do not encourage positive and lasting change. Think about how you parent. Does telling your child they are stupid help them to learn? Absolutely not. (If you are not sure about this idea or find yourself using insults towards your children to motivate change, let's talk.) With this knowledge in mind, do you think telling yourself you are a bad parent motivates you to be a better parent? Nope. By deciding if the thought is helpful or hurtful, you can decide what you want to do with it. I often encourage my clients to practice talking to themselves like they would their best friend.
"I'm having the thought that....."
This may sound silly, but I encourage you to try it. When you notice a non-helpful thought, instead of trying to ignore it, change it, or argue with it just simply try, "I'm having a thought that (insert unhelpful thought here)." You can try it right now as an experiment. Current thought: "I am not doing enough for my family." Replace with: "I'm having the thought that I am not doing enough for my family." Take your own unhelpful thought and try it out. I believe you will notice how one feels very personal and the other allows a little bit of space, like you are noticing it from a distance. Distance is the goal.
Don't "should" on yourself
I didn't come up with this, and wish I knew who to give credit to, because I like the concept. We often fill our mind with things we think we "should" do. Next time you catch yourself saying or thinking "I should..."— do the laundry, clean the house, go for a run, eat different, read more books, work more, work less— try and pause and remind yourself what you did instead. If it was something worthwhile (adventuring with your family, talking to a friend, or enjoying quiet time to yourself) then don't "should" on yourself. You have choices on how you spend your time. If you can notice that the laundry didn't get done because you were too busy in a snowball fight with your family, then it can take away the guilt or shame of feeling that you are not doing enough. You are just choosing what is more important to you. Sometimes it may be the other way around. Let's say you feel you should have connected with your partner when they seemed frustrated but instead you were scrolling through your phone. If this is the case, you can notice that and decide how you would rather engage when something similar happens in the future. Again, knowledge is power. Shame and blame is not.
Recognize that you have a choice
You have a choice in what you do, no matter how you feel or what thoughts you have. You may be giving over too much power if you find yourself allowing your thoughts or feelings to dictate your behaviors. You can be kind even when you feel frustrated or have a thought that you were treated unfairly. You can take a ten minute walk outside even if you think you are too busy. You can chose not to say harsh or hurtful words to you children even if you feel frustrated or are having a thought they are acting out. You can chose to eat foods that make you feel your best, even if you have a thought you should be limiting food or on a "diet."
If you are struggling with depression, anxiety, consistent overwhelm, or other mental health concerns, your ability to make the choices you know you want to make may feel out of reach. It may be important, even necessary, to work with a trained therapist and/or doctor on addressing the mood concerns so that you can live life and engage with others in a way you are proud of.
If you feel that your relationship tendencies or patterns, chronic stress, anxiety, or mood concerns are getting in the way of quality relationships with your partner, children, or friends, there are options for change. Counseling may be a good way to address barriers, develop skills, and fully engage with the people you love. Through individual and couples counseling, I provide a specialized and modern approach to treating pregnancy and postpartum mood concerns, parenting issues, and relationship struggles. Services are available in Woodland Park, Manitou Springs, Colorado Springs, and online therapy throughout Colorado.
