How To Help Your Child In Their Friendships
Parenting is hard for so many reasons. So. Many. Reasons. As your child gets older, you may discover that watching them manage peer relationships and friendships is a source of stress and struggle that you were not expecting…for them and for you. Research is showing that teenagers AND mothers are expressing increased feelings of loneliness, which can trigger symptoms of depression and other mood concerns. Looking at your friendships, and how you interact with others, can be helpful for you and your child.
We all have our own experiences with relationships. Good and bad. Maybe you hope and pray that your child has the same valuable and meaningful friendships that you did as a child and teen. Or maybe you struggled with relationships and want to help your child avoid those same difficulties. No matter your experiences with friendships, it is important for each of us, as parents, to recognize that we bring our own experiences into how we engage with our children about friendships.
A few examples…
If you had lots of friends growing up and were very outgoing, you may find yourself encouraging your more introverted or reserved child to go beyond their own comfort or interest level to make more friends.
If you felt picked on or bullied in school, you may be teaching your child to be “tough” or stand up for themselves in a way that may or may not be helpful for them.
If you struggle with making friends now (because we all know that developing and maintaining friendships in motherhood is no easy thing) and feel some loneliness and isolation yourself, you may find yourself pulling your child in closer to you to get your own needs of connection met. Or the opposite, maybe you are exceptionally passive and allow them to do whatever they want with their friends because, “at least they have friends.”
Any of this sound familiar? It does not matter the age of your children. They can be toddlers or teens. The intricacies and difficulties of helping our child manage friendships can stir up our own stuff and impact how we show up for them in their needs.
In honor of National Friendship Day (July 30th), here are a few tips to help your child navigate friendships while focusing on growing your relationship along the way.
FOCUS ON CONNECTION
This is my number one suggestion in any struggle or situation your child may be facing and is especially relevant in social relationships. Focus on connection. When you child comes to you with an issue with a friend or peer, it is easy (almost instinctive?) to want to help them solve the problem. Aka, to tell them what they should do. However, as kids get older, they do not want their parents to tell them what to do. They are developing autonomy, which is a good thing. Listening, asking questions, and discussing options to address the situation will go much further in developing a stronger connection between you and your child. If you are always telling them what they should and should not do, you might notice they stop talking to you as much. If your focus is on connection, then you can allow them the space to talk through and process their experiences with peers and support them in developing their own ideas.
Obviously, if their ideas or plans are dangerous to them or someone else then it is the responsibility of parents to teach and guide to safety.
ALLOW THEM TO EXPERIENCE DIFFICULTIES
This is a tough one. No one wants to see their child struggle or suffer. We want to fix their problems. Sometimes parents will go to extreme lengths to keep their child from experiencing relationship struggles. However, if we quickly fix or remove our child from every difficult situation then they do no learn how to handle difficulties on their own. Friendships will form and dissolve. Relationships will end due to changes in interests, hobbies, or schools. Allowing those things to happen, even when they are hard for your child, while supporting them through it helps them to develop emotional and social skills.
REMEMBER FRIENDSHIPS ARE NOT ONE-SIDED
In an increasingly individualistic culture, there is a focus on “me” and “I.” While self-awareness is good, intense focus on what “I” am getting from a friendship or relationship is not conducive to connection. It is important to help your child understand that friendships are reciprocal. Give and take. No one person should be doing all the giving, just like one person should not be doing all the taking. Depending on the temperament and personality of your child, this concept may be more difficult for some than others. Asking them questions like, “what would a good friend do?” or “are you being treated the way you want to be in this relationship?” can help elicit conversation between you and your child about friendship.
MODEL KINDNESS AND BEING A GOOD FRIEND
As with anything, modeling is key. Treat your friends they way you want your child to treat theirs. Set boundaries with your friends so that your child sees that it is important to be treated well in friendships. Make time for your own friends. Maybe it is a quick phone call or dinner date. Maybe it is a weekend girls’ trip. Let you child see the value and importance of friendships in how you engage with yours.
Relationships and friendships are key to a meaningful and fulfilling life. They can be hard. They are work. But they are worth investing in. Helping your child see this will only help them as they grow.
Do you struggle with your own friendships or feelings of loneliness? Or do you wish you could better connect with your child about their relationships outside of your home? Counseling and parenting support may be beneficial. Contact us to see how we can help.
Online counseling available in Colorado and Missouri. We are a multi-disciplinary group practice that specializes in preparing for baby, parenting, perinatal anxiety and depression, maternal mental health, body image, identity, relationships, and life transitions. Visit our provider page to learn more about each provider and contact us to schedule an appointment.